2 and one more

I will add some more stories. This blog is top secret :D so I will not be able to write all the times, and it kind of makes me anxious. Maybe a list of what I have, had and what I wish would be appropriate.
I have a cousin, who introduced me in oral pleasures, and when he noticed we are heading towards a "couple" situation he told me that we have to stop and never do anything similar in future because this is already gay. Oh, yeah. Not a hug, not a kiss, not holding my hand... I did not speak to, did not see him for 15 years maybe. It so f....ing destroyed me, at thirteen, just realizing what I really am, just starting to learn how to live with it, and then he slams me. When I went to high school and desperately worked to understand my feelings I realized that he was a coward. For many years I blamed him for turning me to be attracted by males, it toke some time to realize that I had my feelings before this happened. He has a family, children, living at home. He was kind of my best cousin, I liked being at their place, hanging out with him, looking up to him. I missed him much, but after telling me to stop being gay, I just could not speak to him. One more scar.
I had a friend I have continued my early experiences with, for several years. He did really forced me into that "relationship", I was not sure I want it happen, but I let it happen. He was good looking, nice body and I needed somebody. Than after years, he just turned away. He had girlfriends, I did not not. I had emotions, feelings he did not want to feel. I could have thought he just used me, if I would have not received so much pleasure from him. Without tenderness. He has a family, children and I don't really speak to him since many many years. He did not even invited me to their wedding. And again, it so f...ink hurt me.
I had a friend, totally straight, who realized my feelings (by his own) and told me that he is not interested in that way (he was 11, I was 13!). We have been working together for many years, farming mostly, but so much other works also. He looked up to me for being the smart one, I looked up to him for being the brave, strong, real man :D Then, as I went to university, we have seen each other very rarely. I got overrun by my problems and  I started to care less for him. For the first time in my life, I have abandoned a good (best!) friend. It hurts me now, and it will more and more as time goes by. I never found one more person like him, and by now I know that I will never do.
At high school, I moved to hostel. More like dormitory. With supervisors, of course, and learning hours, and sport evenings. It was so good, moving out from family problems (although, it drove me crazy that I had to leave Mom there at home). I had a supervisor, in his forties, who started petting me. I was scared, freaked out, so afraid that I had to ask myself, what I really feel? His age was freaking me out, but since he did not expected reciprocal feelings, I did again let myself used :) I could have had him fired, beaten or ever worst, for not leaving me alone. But I choose to have him pet me. I never could decided if it hurt me or I really enjoined the situation. Of course, after leaving the school, I left behind the events too. I guess I hurt him (a little  at least) but at eighteen I already know that every person is responsible for his own actions. He knew this will happen, but he choose to do it. I don't know why, I never speak to him about my feelings, although he realized my personality.
I made a friend, we knew each other earlier  but we  become friends at high school. I made him my friend, because I always need a friend :) We were not even talking much before, he was the rich guy, I was the poor one. As it turned out very soon, it did not matter at all. We get to know each other pretty well, hanging out in free time. He was the first person I told about my feelings. It was a big step, at seventeen, after three years of fear I had to speak. Not even having someone to love me could make it easier. He acknowledged and accepted me, did not turned away. But as I was getting used to it, I did abandon him by time.
As I started to feel my emotions as a burden, I got very week. And many of my closer friends jumped to my help, and stayed even after I spoke to them. It was finally something I needed, but the "hug and kiss" man was still missing. Although, there was one person who even let me sleep with him, and another who let me embrace him while we sleep, even sometimes he gave me a hug, and another who could hold my hands while discussing about my desperate situation. Funny how every one of them told me I'm overreacting :) And, of course, by time, I abandoned them :(
I went to the university. My family and relatives were already worshiping me... And there was a girl, from high school, who appeared in my life at a point and I made her my friend before he could notice :) I so much enjoyed her company, could not get enough. She was not the prettiest girl, but I even felt attracted to her. But I never tried to turn the friendship into relationship... which I later regretted, but the story will be a separate post. Of course I abandoned her.
At the university, in a big city, I had a lot of people around me and I could not manage to find a mate. The darkest years of my life. I made one friend pretty soon, who accepted to take care of my feelings. We had some problems, as it was hard to me avoid touching him, which he did not liked. We leaved together several years, his girlfriend was helping me a lot. In one darkest episode of my depressions  they toke care of me as of their children :) I'm trying not to abandon them, although we live at great distance...
My first real relationship with a girl came late and it toke 4 years: separate post. I made her suffer, left her and I think I will never be able to think of myself as good person. I'm bad, evil, heartless, cold blooded murderer. At least this is how I feel about myself, and every now and then I have to do some good, to find someone who needs help, to prove to myself that I am not yet so evil.
I had a boy, known him for several years, but never became friends mainly because he was not easy to approach. But after five years, I managed to take him into bad. Once. He enjoyed it, as did I, even if I had remorse for cheating my girlfriend. Than he told me we must remain friends only... it made me so angry I talked ugly to him and told him I never want to see him again. And never did :(
I have a colleague not much older than me, and a very complicated personality. I always desired him but never found the way to him. Not even by talking to him. Than one evening it did happen, out of the nowhere. It could have been better, but I was happy fro finally achieving my desires. Than it turned into something I do not now how to control. After that night never again happened anything. We work together, day by day. I do not know what to believe. I could make a relationship so beautiful as in tales, but I do not know whether he wants it or not. And since it is not easy to talk to him, I conclude day by day that I'm stupid: I live in the reach of possible happynes, just to reach out, and I can't make a decision.
What I wish? I wish I could have a family to live in my peace: my girlfriend (I'm preparing for the big talk with her), my boyfriend and the dog. I'm kidding, I don't like dogs :D I guess its a little pervert, but I would like a 3some family, where everybody loves and respects the others. I guess I will dream about this one :) I have to sleep out the twenty beers :D
By the way, if anybody reads this, I was wondering many times, if I'm insane or not? But I guess obtaining a PhD degree and the respect of people from several countries would indicate that I'm not insane?

2

I don't know where to continue? Or why? I did one "mighty" thing I had not for years: I had been drinking for seventeen hours. It took a lot out of me, but it took mostly the anger and anxiety. I don't have to say I met a tall, blonde, blue eyed beautiful lad. No coming out, no big talks, just bar life and he promised that will hang out whenever is possible :D I was there with one person I used to drink all nights and days with him. Yes, girlfriend is away, coming back tomorrow... I miss her so badly it makes me feel weak :D
I decided earlier to post one of my biggest fears and anxieties. It literally destroyed my childhood and teenager life. The father. He is the central figure in a family, gives strength to overcome life (not problems, because life itself is the biggest problem). If he is no taken away by tragic events, or he does not abandon by his own will the family, leaving them for struggle. Or, as the mostly damaging and killing way, just stay with to terrorize, beat up and ruin every minute of life. It was so awful, day by day, to see him drunk, yelling and so may times... beating Mom. As a very young boy, I just cried, what was I to do? Of course neighbors and relatives knew how is our family. What where they to do? It was not so long after I realized how my feelings really are, that I hit him in the face. Strong, direct, willingly hit. He got so shocked he could not hit back, not at first. Then he turned on me, we were pushing each other, with Mom staying between us. I was so eager to beat him. It was so strong, the will, that it made me cry hysterically. But it made me also feel POWERFUL and strong. I hate violence and terror, I can not hit even animals, what about people. From that point on I feel powerful enough to beat up anyone who is hurting somebody. But the damage to my life was done, and it continued... I grew up with anxiety and fear about my alcoholic father, but I stayed strong as the people could see me. (I'm so sick from those tens of beers I had...). This might be the starting point and base for my double personality. I totally hide anything I feel and I think, only people I love are allowed to see me. Anybody else see a somewhat muscle guy, somewhat angry all the time, just a people you don't want to mess with. The people I love. My parents and relatives are not allowed to see me. Just my Mom... but i never was able to talk with her about any of my problems. I just watch her growing old and fear the moment of loosing her. I only see her few days a year. He did not try beating her since many years, I guess the moment I hit him made some changes. As it did in me, it ripped my heart, it put the seeds of cold-headed brutalism in me. I wonder every time I remember this event (almost every day) how I managed to contain myself so many years, how I built up my system of being bad only when somebody is to be protected. So, I grew up amid family terror. We also had existential problems, he was able to drink up all our money so we could not buy a bread. But it all would have gone by, except being brutal to Mom, and telling me that I am not his son. Every other day. I listened to it for twenty years, and of course he only could say that while he was drunk so he could not remember anything. When I was ten, I made up my mind not to ever talk to him about other than usual everyday business. And I do. And it hurts, even after more than twenty years. I realized not so long ago that I have formed an automatic protection against hurting feelings, so strong that even when I focus to remember what exactly hurt me, it only glimpses to me for seconds :D I really have to force my mind to allow me see what had happened. And it gives me comfort. I know whatever will happen, I will be able to get over without going crazy. Now I can smile on "you are not my son" stupid things :) and feel sorry for my dad. Because he clearly had to have bigger problems than mine, no other explanation. He could not overcome. And he chose to ruin our life. I am not sorry for hitting him. But i am sorry for once I told him: I wish you die. I never could believe I said that. It was like a hallucination. It is, still today, like a bad hallucination, and it is still making me choke when I remember. This one event is burning in me forever and it will make me feel horrible forever. The only consolation is that I could forgive him and I was able to formulate for myself: I will do whatever, whenever I will have to help him. He is getting old and sick. Soon will need my help. I'm already afraid of those times... And I guess he was right, I'm not his son, otherwise how could I have overcome things that would have turn me like him? I will never know, because I don't want to. This one thing will remain a mystery, not because I'm afraid of what it would be, I just made up my mind and decided to keep this mystery alive :) everybody needs an unsolved mystery in his life, now I have mine :)

p.s. the more I drink (alcohol) the friendlier I become, so drinking one day could be a positive event :)

1

 Why did I choose the blog, instead of a secret diary? By their nature the things described would not be safe in it, but the internet is a safe place :)
Currently, at thirty-two, I still struggle with one problem that makes ten more: as a bisexual children of God, I misinterpreted some actions of a boy, prepared for whatever will be I toke the courage to come out to him, and... He's ten years younger, kind of my student and was really disappointed to find out about the situation. Acknowledged that it was (is?) really hard to rebuild his trust in me. I ruined the image of appreciation he had made for himself about me. I realized that it was too late when we clarified the situation, I became emotionally attached and it struck me down to let him go. And, the events brought to the surface the hidden needs and neccesities, incompatible with my actual relationship - I have a beautiful and lovely girlfriend who gives sense to my whole life. I only did not tell her about my real personality, being afraid that she will leave me...My stupidity, my fault, my issue to solve it.
 But the past is always there to haunt. These days when I was calculating that it takes over 50% of my daily resources just to keep myself together, up and running, I remembered when I was 12 and started to figure out what really my attraction was to my male friends. It did not scare me, and I knew from the first moment (all alone) that if I speak, I'm done. So I just kept it to myself and tried not to fight my emotions. I had no idea what is happening with me, but I clearly remember I kept saying to myself that this is me and its OK. And soon discovered that I'm not alone. Now that I try to sort out those distant events, still wishing there has been someone to ask me (us) how life is going, or do we need help to grow up, I realize that it was the beginning where I could have started to build a peaceful life. But no help, no attention, nowhere to turn and nowhere to look up what we should or not to do. That barely emotional, sexual (oral) kind of relationship went on several years. And it was exactly what should have not been: touch without knowing how to love. When it ended (I went to high school, and the distance, with time, dissolved it) I was the first time afraid. New people, yet unknown situations and the fact that I was alone again and knew even stronger that I have to keep my secrets, hurt me so much that I barely communicated with anyone. And it was the time when I first felt uncertain about being able to date a girl again. I recalled how years earlier I fell in love with a girl classmate but I was not her case. We talked it out, it did hurt me a lot but I started to realize how life works (I was 10 maybe). Then it went on: trying to catch the one you like, but she does not feel the same, and in the meantime those being in love with you are not your match.
 In high school, the terrifying, continuous sensation of loneliness turned me into the person who will smile at you, accept your invitation to a tea and a chit-chat, but never invites you or discusses personal business with anyone. If  I only had known that my social anxiety was just forming, I would have run to join the people... but did not. And no one wondered what in the hell could be wrong, just left me in my already distant world. When I recall the feelings I had for like 2 years, it still makes me cry. And each time I swear that I will not leave even a single child to go trough anything similar, when signs are obvious that help and counsel is needed.
 I'm not sure if what I have become hurts me more than the illusion of what I could have become. Anyway, lets hope for tomorrow.

The beginning?

It took me several years to reach this point, since I'm not convinced that anybody should know my thoughts. Or maybe more like anybody could be interested in my thoughts? On the other hand, I see absolutely no help in telling how my day was and how dissapointed I got (I'm not used to express my happiness). But this recently changed when I found consolation in some blogs that I never thought it could happen. So I decided to share my mind, maybe someone will find a solution for a problem by reading about mine's. And more importantly, because the burden has become insupportable, and - surprise, surprise - I couldn't find nobody to do more than listen, agree and smile. For the record, I do not expect any kind of help from this blog in solving any of my troubles. But I have concluded, that it might be useful (for my mind) if I "speak out loud" the deep buried small secrets which erode me every day... and to organize my chaos. Oh, by the way, the characters and events described are real, the rest I will try to hide myself as much as possible. Instinct.